Mrs Tara Plumbing

I’m thoroughly enjoying the CH4 ‘Food Fight’ season:

www.channel4.com/food/on-tv/the-big-food-fight/the-big-food-fight.html

but I can’t help wondering who is watching? is it preaching to the converted…?

After all, in the T.P. household we eat loads of fruit, veggies, wholemeal bread and pulses - consequently we probably produce more poo than most east Africans (see - eat to change your life) and it is possible that we are causing global warming through our own excessive production of natural gas!

Ch4 say: “With the worst diet in Europe, two thirds of Britons are overweight, and treating obesity-related diseases costs the NHS more than £3 billion a year. Experts fear that today’s children could be the first generation to die younger than their parents if nothing is done.”It is a shocking fact that most people in the UK eat worse food than people who live in far more impoverished conditions in other parts of the world - that the obese folk around us are actually malnourished.

Especially as what we eat then affects not just our life span but our ability to function and enjoy our life.

Saint Jamie Oliver’s programme Eat to Save Your Life certainly made an impression on some of the labourers that we work with, they did watch it.   They laugh at our vegetarian diet, and like many people, they find it hard to believe that Mr Tara Plumbing usually eats vegan meals every day at home (doesn’t he miss his meat?).  The labourers’ diets are typical of those on the TV programme - refined, processed, convenience food, meat and potatoes, absolutely no fruit or vegetables.

The long term consequences of such a diet were graphically shown, it was hard hitting.  A shorter life and increased chance of getting all sorts of disabling diseases.

Most important - I thought - was the increased likelihood of male impotency.  I guess we all have different priorities!  

The message was clear - eat fruit and veggies; wholefoods; simple home cooked foods; the best quality you can afford and a little indulgence will probably not hurt.

If you get chance to watch repeats I recommend them, if you can watch only 1, see Eat to Save Your Life:

www.channel4.com/food/on-tv/the-big-food-fight/eat-to-save-your-life-07-12-18_p_1.html?intcmp=homepage_box2

Did you hear the story about the plumber who embarked on an affair with one of his married customers.

Well, her husband often worked late, so she would frequently call the unnamed tradesman to check out her water works.

One evening when hubby was supposed to be away there was the unexpected sound of the key in the door whilst the adulterers were in a compromising, unclothed, clinch on the sofa.

Never in the history of dressing up races has there been a swifter cover-up.

As husband entered the room Mr Tara P…,   I mean, the fast-thinking, unnamed plumber said,

“If you have any more worries or problems do not hesitate to call me.” Then turning to the man,   “Hello, your wife phoned as she thought you had a leaking gas valve in here.”

The husband was exceptionally impressed with the service, which included evening calls.  He said, “How much do I owe you?”

It’s a hard life being a plumber, but someone has to do it.

A man saw a burglary taking place in his house whilst he was out, he was able to call the police and watch it taking place via his home webcam. We often think about how amazing this story is.

Apparently people often install these cameras in their bedrooms and broadcast to the whole world over the world wide web. Mr Tara Plumbing thinks this is a great idea and that we should get one too. Why would any one want to watch me tossing and turning… in my sleep. Oh, of course, Mr Tara Plumbing isn’t thinking about sleeping.  He must be thinking about watching the house when we are away. All robbers know that everyone keeps their valuables under the mattress so that is the first place they’d go for.

Anyway, we’ve now got Vista. It does not come with any warning about difficulties loading Lotus - so you need to go to some geek web forum and find out about it if, like me, you would like to continue accessing all the financial records which were maintained on Lotus 123 spreadsheets.

In the Tara Plumbing household we love using technology as a means to an end. We do not love the process of installing and learning to use new stuff… that is why I’ve been quiet lately - we’ve been technically challenged with our PC troubles (not politically (in-) correct).

Finally

Touch Me I’m Karen Taylor. If you missed this debut comedy series you can view it again Saturday night BBC3, I highly recommend it. If you share my humour you will love it. On the other hand you might find it dull, offensive, childish… toilet humour and sexual innuendo.  I think it is very modern, C21 feminist comedy.

I committed the name of this funny lady to memory when I saw her in 1999, she was an unknown, doing 5 minute standup slots for no pay (she was also incredibly sexy and flirtatious - perhaps that’s why I remember her - see pic at bottom).  I’ve seen hundreds of ‘new’ acts and remember the names of very few.  I do remember Jimmy Carr from those days, too. He also stood out from the rest, from the start.

It was quite by chance that I found this TV programme whilst searching the BBC website for something else.   http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/karentaylor/ 8 years later, here she is appearing on plasma screens across the UK. 

 I have only seen one episode, it did not disappoint. Her comedy is funny, clever, original and up to date (I was thinking ‘contemporary’ but that word triggers sensitive reactions in East Kent).  I would highly recommend anyone with a sense of humour to see the repeat on Saturday - BBC3 or episode 5of 6 Monday BBC3 (10/10.30pm).

If you need or want to know more about Karen Taylor: http://www.bbc.co.uk/pressoffice/pressreleases/stories/2006/02_february/22/taylor.shtml

Or this: 

http://www.paramountcomedy.com/comedy/comedians/comedian.aspx?id=387

To be honest, not all reviews are good, I came across this:

“Several sketches fall back on cheap sex/toilet humour.”
But that’s what makes Mrs Tara Plumbing laugh!

We have a small dispute about SEX. Mr Tara Plumbing and I both agree IT is a very good thing and should be undertaken as often as possible between consenting adults in private.

The dispute concerns my library of books on the subject. I want them on the book cases in our dining room, Mr T.P. is not sure they should be on public display.

Before you all try to get an invite to my next diner party I should warn you, these are NOT the sort of books that are sold in sealed wrappers in shops with black windows. The books I am talking about are sold in Waterstones & Smiths, they are over welmingly academic, from diverse perspectives including history, sociology, psychology, law and social policy…

Some are so hard going you’d have to be a masochist to find them titillating. Having said that, I can’t find my copy of Venus In Furs (by Sacher Masoch), but I will not part with The Well of Loneliness, known & censored for it’s racy lesbian sex scene (you have to read the book slowly or you could miss it) so I’ll quote it here! - skip the next line if you are easily shocked:

“That night they were not parted“. (Radcliff Hall)

I can’t site the page number, I didn’t look it up. That famous quote is forever in my memory, unlike the lengthy passages of Shakespeare, that I should have learnt as a child.

Whilst writing this I hear on the radio (You & Yours R4): reading exciting books can keep you fit and help you stay slim! It increases the heart rate and increases the rate at which your body burns calories. It has to be a book that excites you: sex, violence, action, adventure, suspense, history of maths? I was gripped to Fermate’s Last Theorem, and I couldn’t put down Longitude. I’ve also stayed up late reading the Harry Potter books, but I’ve heard sleep deprived people tend to eat more.

Unfortunately the only reference I could find, to show I didn’t make this up is here: 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/health/healthmain.html?in_article_id=461695&in_page_id=1774

I like good customer service but I don’t like those few loud arrogant people who are overly demanding of the staff, have unrealistic expectations and are just plain rude. It never hurts to be friendly and polite - that applies to customers as much as staff. If I’m not happy with the service in a shop, restaurant or other business I usually leave, I don’t return and I may tell every one I know about my poor experience.

Only the other day Mr Tare Plumbing left a shop because there were no shop assistants! Some people were complaining that they had been waiting ages. Mr T.P.’s view was that they must all be crazy, as there were plenty of other shops where they could go and spend their pennies. Obviously, this was not so much a problem of bad service as poor management.

Some people, however, probably receive a poor quality of service due to their own bad behaviour, such as the justice dealt out in the funny, fictional Hotel Babylon. If your complaint about the corked wine is justified it will be replaced. If you are just deliberately being annoying then Gino, the Latin Barman, may just dunk his Balls in your wine before returning it to you in a fresh glass!

I may have been on the receiving end of such treatment in a Beans & Chips Cafe once. I ordered black coffee, when the waiter bought out a mug of white coffee, I said:

“I asked for black coffee”.

My companion looked shocked and told me I was a bit harsh.

Apparently, it sounded as if I had shouted:

“You fool! How dare you come before me with such a beverage. When I demand Black coffee, no other substitute will suffice. Run back to your little kitchen and do not dare to show your face in this room again without bringing a delicious Mug of the finest Instant Black Coffee.” It is not what I intended but that is how it came across.Obviously, there would be no genitals dunking in my hot coffee, but I do remember a study finding ‘foreign bodies’ in restaurant food was very common, the most memorable being semen from a number of different men all in one curry. Yuk! I must add I think the study was in London, I’m sure such things do not happen in Kent.Mr Tara Plumbing says I’m always so abrupt, that’s why he’s scared to take me out in public! As for whether I prefer to swallow dairy products or semen? I never take milk in my coffee as I am vegan!

I’m sure many low paid shop assistants have wanted to say something to the effect of, “I really don’t like you, please leave the shop.”

The nice thing about being your own boss is that you do not have to chase every potential client and worry about being fired. So on more than one occasion I’ve had the pleasure of suggesting that someone may like to find a different company to do the work.

We were sweltering hot stuff in the bedroom last night!  No, we didn’t invite any special friends over for a private party in the boudoir.

Mr Tara Plumbing ~ you know 20 years of experience as a heating engineering ~ accidentally (he says) hit the wrong button on our idiot-proof boiler.

                        We had the heating on ALL night.

I thought it was warm when we got in to bed. I asked Mr T.P. to open the window (I always open it, he always shuts it), we have an on going battle for ventilation.

He replied that it was open, I later found this was a blatant lie. I record the details here as I might latter use them in court, as grounds for divorce.    There is the small detail that we are not actually married…    That’s another story.

Into bed we get, I’m hot and bothered, it turns out so is Mr T.P. but opening the window was not on his mind.  Reminiscent of the late Mr Doubtfire (the film with Robin Williams) he uttered something like our favourite line, “brace yourself…”

Continuing with his sweet nothings in my ear: “I’m ready, I can’t wait for your to catch-up.”

If any thing happened, I missed it, I was laughing so much.

We fell asleep exhausted (it was way passed our usual bed time) and we woke up feeling most uncomfortable at about 5am! But it wasn’t until 7am, when I finally dragged myself out of bed that I discovered the reason for my bad night.

            The heating had been on the whole time.

Think of the bill!

Mr Tara Plumbing believes I am descended from a Northern race of people who are well know for their thrifty, frugal ways.    I just think energy saving light bulbs and a warm blanket are all we need to be comfortable.

BTW - If you enjoy reading my blog, you can subscribe to receive it as a daily email by clicking at the top of this page on the right.  It will save doing a search on Mrs Tara, every day!

P.S.  A little up date, in case you are interested - I’ve done the stuff for the Inland Revenue - there was no crisis. 

How are babies made? We have consistently told our son that we made him out of love. This answer is no longer sufficient.

Firstly, he wants to know if he can make a baby with me! Well, we do share special love, but I’m his mum and he is 5!

Secondly, did it involve lots of kissing? He wants to know - because he is very jealous - there is to be no kissing or cuddling between Mr & Mrs Tara Plumbing without our little Boy getting in the middle. You’ve heard it said many times - children are a great contraceptive.

Now more detail is required.

I’ve told him what goes where.

What does my little boy say - just two things:

“Mummy, did it tickle?” and “When I’m a man I don’t want to do that”.

A young girl, only 9 or 10 years old, should she be aware of contraception- what do you think?

Let me tell you what I think:

children should be informed with honest answers to their questions at whatever age;

sex education should be taught at primary/junior school age;

girls should know about sex and contraception by the time they start menstruation (which is often at around age 10).

In this country we have a terrible record of high teenage pregnancies and sexually transmitted diseases. It is common for teenagers to have sex, their first experiences, whilst drunk and without condoms.

In a great TV programme, C4 show that things could be so different:

http://www.channel4.com/learning/microsites/L/lifestuff/content/up_close/letstalksex/?intcmp=homepage_box1

I find it totally amazing that a parent has complained that her daughter (who is approx. 10) has been discussing condoms with another child at a Canterbury school .

It was excellent that older children got a very FULL education in Holland which included practising with condoms - of course, they were in senior school when it got to that, and the condom practical was on ‘artificial’ objects!

I have been lucky enough to meet Chad Varah, the founder of the Samaritans. He told me that he was motivated to change things because MANY young girls were committing suicide when they started menstruating because, back in those days, they were frightened, they did not know what was happening to them.

Ignorance is dangerous and scary. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx